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Field Ethos
Guest
By Mr. Black
The year was 1993. I was 16. Testosterone pumped through my body like rocket fuel, pushing aside all rational thought in pursuit of the pure human desire to breed. Long before Borat Sagdiyev set his sights on Pamela Anderson, her Playboy centerfold was pinned to my wall. As the winds of fall began to blow, though, a challenger emerged—a younger and arguably hotter Playmate named Jenny McCarthy.
If the internet existed at the time, I certainly wasn’t aware of it. Today a teenager can pull out his smartphone and witness scenes of debauchery that we Gen Xers could not have imagined. Our lone sources of female nudity came from catching glimpses of breasts on scrambled cable channels, your friend’s dad’s secret VHS porn collection, or sneaking into the local strip club.
Then there was Playboy. Devised by the great Hugh Hefner and launched in 1953, Playboy was porn designed for the refined gentleman. With it, Hef brought smut into America’s mainstream. The periodical was packed with excellent writing that I didn’t appreciate at the time as well as high-quality images of some of the world’s most beautiful women. Nude. I boldly sent in the funds for a subscription as a teenager and my dear departed mother was cool enough not to throw them in the trash when they arrived. My high school buddies would gather in my room, poring over issue after issue for hours on end.
Playboy’s influence at the time cannot be overstated—it turned hometown hotties into household names. The best of the centerfolds, my own elite list of blonde bombshells, were pinned to the wall above my dresser. The few young ladies that I was able to coax into my tiny bedroom were put on notice: this is the standard by which you will be judged.
The Bracket
Pamela Anderson was unleashed on America by the cover of the October 1989 issue of Playboy;shewas named Playmate of the Month in February 1990. Impossibly hot, she was the best thing to come out of Canada since the M-1 Garand. She ended up on Playboy’s cover 14 times, more than any woman in history. Anderson also starred as lifeguard C.J. Parker on “Baywatch,” a wildly popular syndicated tv show that hit the airwaves the same year as her Playboy debut.
Chicago-native Jenny McCarthy burst onto the scene as Playboy’s October 1993 Playmate of the Month. They called her a “girl next door,” but I never had a neighbor quite like her. I initially dismissed her as a contender for Mr. Black’s Blonde Hall of Fame due to anti-gun statements that she made during her first Playboy appearance, but she was deemed hot enough for a second look after being name Playmate of the Year.
These two women were undoubtedly among the hottest sex symbols of the 1990s, resulting in the loss of most of my knee cartlidge, but which one was hotter? Let’s break it down.
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Tale of the Tape
Then
In 1990 Anderson stood 5’7” and measured 36EE-22-34. In her debut issue, Jenny McCarthy was listed at 5’ 6.5” and 38D-24-34. Both women’s bodies were proof that God loves us, but Pam’s boobs were bigger, and her waist was smaller.
Winner: Pam.
Now
These days, Pam looks like she fell out of the menopause tree and hit every branch on the way down. She’s had her implants removed and appears to be embracing the Dame Judy Dench look. Her decline has been staggering. It’s like seeing a pre-war Rigby covered in rust in someone’s garage with the barrel cut off. Note: when your last redeeming quality is your rack, leave it alone.
Despite being almost 54, McCarthy is still rocking a hard body. Adjusted for age, she’s hotter now than she’s ever been. Keeping it together for this long takes great genes, hard work and discipline. Tip of the hat.
Winner: Jenny.
Pam Anderson (left) and Jenny McCarthy in “Scary Movie 3.”
Celebrity Mate(s)
Pam has had more than her share of romances, but the highlights include rock legends Bret Michaels, Tommy Lee, and Kid Rock. I was actually in attendance when she married Bob Ritchie at Tootsies Orchid Lounge in Nashville and got to watch her dance like a stripper in a booth while he jammed with the house band, but that’s a story for another day.
McCarthy spent several years with OG pet detective Jim Carrey, and these days is married to Donnie Wahlberg. Donnie gets cool points for his role in “Band of Brothers” and for co-starring with the great Tom Selleck in “BlueBloods,” but we can’t get past his Backstreet Boys past (Donnie was actually in New Kids on the Block. When confronted with this information, Mr. Black scoffed, “I’m proud not to know the difference.).
Winner: Pam.
Diet
Pam is an animal rights kook and refuses to wear leather or consume animal products (Tommy Lee’s massive tube steak notwithstanding). How’s that working out for her figure?
Jenny has embraced a carnivore diet to help maintain her impressive physique and to prevent ever having to spoil her hotness by creating a bowel movement.
Winner: Jenny.
Finest Moment
Let’s be honest here—both of them were at their best when they just looked hot and didn’t speak.
Jenny’s annoying personality on MTV’s “Singled-Out” is still tough for me to swallow. Her relentless autism activism was boner kryptonite. She seems to have mellowed with age, though.
Listening to Pam talk is a reminder why merely being hot shouldn’t qualify you for public office. Her IQ hovers near her 1990s waist size.
Winner: Whoever plays the “quiet game” better.
Conclusion
Pam was basically the hottest chick on the planet in her prime. Unfortunately, she went heavy on the plastic surgery, spent too much time in the sun and gobbled soy burgers instead of crushing it in the gym. She could have been the GOAT, but she didn’t have the discipline to play the long game.
Jenny didn’t have the star power that Pam did out of the gate, but she had the grit. She worked hard, stayed relevant, stayed fit and, most importantly, stayed hot.
In 1993, it would not have even been a contest, but today, a different blonde hottie stands atop the mountain. Mrs. Black isn’t keen on pinning centerfolds above the bed but if she leaves me for Bret Michaels, Jenny is the one who’s gonna end up on my wall.
The post Pam Vs Jenny: Battle of the Blondes appeared first on Field Ethos.
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